all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
