i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i may or may not be watching the land before time
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
