I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
