planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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