I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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