The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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