i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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