i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
