You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
