Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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