I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
