how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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