Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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