my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
