he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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