Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
