You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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