her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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