My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
