what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I fill condoms, not promises.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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