you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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