So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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