Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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