I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
