she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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