I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
