Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
His nipple licking is glorious
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