pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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