I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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