I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize