Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
