she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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