I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
