New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
