I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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