A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
