First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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