Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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