He is an equal opportunity slut.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
