I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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