New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
