Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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