Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
