I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize