pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize