Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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