How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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