My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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