Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
