I want you more than these girls want KFC
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I just shit out all my problems.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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