the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
