she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
