You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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