Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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