Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
