i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
