How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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