You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
