I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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