So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
