he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
