Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
