I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
