If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Randomize
